Bill is Bored

Wandering aimlessly around the streets of New York City, former president Bill Clinton was on a mission. Coming fresh off of a victory over GQ and looking to continue his streak of dominating suppression, he spotted an image in a Manhattan restaurant window that immediately grabbed his attention.

As he closed in on the photo, the reality of the situation became horribly clear. It was his daughter Chelsea, smiling, in a faded photograph prominently displayed in Osso Buco, a Greenwich Village restaurant.

If displaying the picture wasn't terrible enough, she was in the company of mugshots of other notorious New Yorkers including Regis Philbin, Derek Jeter and Rudolph Giuliani. The cruelty!

So Bill did what any proud father would do – he instructed his counselor Douglas Band to send the restaurant owner a threatening letter:

In a September 18 letter to Osso Buco, an Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village, the ex-president demands the removal of the five-year-old photo of his daughter and Nino Selimaj, the eatery's owner.

If Selimaj fails to comply with the removal request, the letter notes, "We reserve the right to exercise any and all options available to us."

Reports say Bill doesn't want Chelsea's photo displayed in the restaurant because she is a private citizen. So private, in fact, that she does not have the ability to come out and request the picture be removed herself.

According to the New York Post, Bill's swift action might have cost Hillary a vote in the upcoming election:

"I am really heartbroken," Selimaj told us. "Until this morning, I would have voted for Hillary. Bill was my favorite president of all time . . . I really hope they will reconsider."

Somebody needs to give Bill a Rubik's Cube or Etch A Sketch to keep him busy.